aruinedepiphany

So, life is good.
Even if slightly monotonous!

:)

Oh, those patterns on the wall.

Hello again.

Excuse me. Hey. Could we do that again?

I know we haven't met, but I don't want to be an ant. You know? I mean, it's like we go through life... with our antennas bouncing off one other, continuously on ant autopilot, with nothing really human required of us.

Stop. Go. Walk here. Drive there. All action basically for survival. All communication simply to keep this ant colony buzzing along... in an efficient, polite manner.

"Here's your change."
"Paper or plastic?"
"Credit or debit?"
"You want ketchup with that?"

I don't want a straw. I want real human moments. I want to see you. I want you to see me. I don't want to give that up. I don't want to be an ant, you know?

It's kind of like D.H. Lawrence had this idea of two people meeting on a road... And instead of just passing and glancing away, they decided to accept what he calls "the confrontation between their souls." It's like freeing the brave reckless gods within us all.





Then it's like we have met.

I miss you, Black Rock City. It'll be good to come back to you.

an inexplicable and uninvited sensation.

lying in wait
for a hiccup, for an interlude.

and it's almost comfortable.

what happened yesterday?
what will happen tomorrow?
why do i dream nightmares?

stop following so closely in shadows

I wish air conditioning was standard is Washington homes...
I cannot stand another couple days of this. Makes me barely want to move.

Ughhhh.

AHHHHHHHHHHH Burning Man is coming soon and I just can't contain my excitement!
Can't wait to be back in the dust!

I wish I had more costume pieces, but perhaps I'll acquire/make some more in the month and a half I have left. So far, I've picked up this lovely poncho:



And these little arm warmer things:




Just have to plan out our trip.
We're going to be buying pretty much everything in terms of gear when we get to San Francisco (flying in). Then we'll be driving out to the Nevada desert from there :)

I kind of wish I was part of a camp this year, but oh well. It usually costs a lot of money to reserve a place in a camp.

Mmm... this year's theme is Evolution.
Picture of the man:



Can't wait to really participate this year... and meet a bunch of awesome hippies.

The art installations this year seem really cool. One of them has an enclosure made of some kind of clear material.. maybe glass.. in which they light a fire above you and you can look at it through the glass. I watched a video of it being demonstrated and the flames made some really intricate and beautiful shapes.

I just wish that we could live indefinitely out on the playa.
But perhaps that would change the spirit of the event. :)
Nothing lasts, but nothing is lost.

I saw this necklace whilst browsing Etsy for pixie garb to wear at Burning Man.



It really frightens me.

I wish I had the motivation to write in here more often. I do enjoy looking back on the entries from 4 years ago and seeing how I've grown. It's amazing to see my maturation over the years, but, at the same time, I feel as if I'm just as clueless in many ways.

Summer vacation is here and I've mostly been just sitting at home. I should get a job... perhaps I'll ask Max if the Cinebarre still needs people. It's this really awesome movie theater down the road where they serve alcohol and halfway decent food. They took out every other row of seats and put tables in the screening rooms. Only 21+ allowed in, so no screaming kids around :P And most of the people that work there have an "alternative" style, so I wouldn't have to worry about dying my hair a normal color again.

Whooo... not actually having to do anything makes my motivation dwindle. I would love to finish a couple pieces of art... we'll see how that goes. At least I've been working out 3 times a week.. might try to go 5 days. I love that rush of endorphins right as you're finishing a work out.

Speaking of Max, he moved down here and we've been hanging out often. It's really good to be back in touch with him. He was one of my best friends from high school days. It's nice to know that some friends are still there for you, even when you haven't spoken in a few years.

Why hasn't the sun come out in about a week? It's quite frustrating. It's been relatively warm, but grey skies. It's summer! Come on!

Went to Portland.. 24 hours and 400 miles later, I'm pretty exhausted.
Shpongle was playing at a little venue down there... one of my top 3 all-time shows. They were phenomenal. They had some great dancers in tribal-patterned black light painted body suits and masks. Really beautiful costumes and lovely dancing.

I hope that Simon Posford decides to come back again semi-soon. He doesn't tour in the US very often. The mini-vacation to Portland was worth it to see him... got to dance alongside hundreds of sweaty hippies. Haha. I loved it. They are generally very cool people (and much more fun to have at a concert than ravers).

Summer vacation has now arrived thankfully.
Don't want to get a job, but I may have to.

damn it... i wish a giant neon sign would drop from the sky telling me what i should do with my life.
i have no direction, no real passion for any career.

and it's driving me absolutely crazy.





i don't think i could go through med school without feeling the drive to really want to become a doctor.


arghoihoiaeryua0f8ye024532

"My life closed twice before its close;
It yet remains to see
If Immortality unveil
A third event to me,

So huge, so hopeless to conceive,
As these that twice befell.
Parting is all we know of heaven,
And all we need of hell."

Emily Dickinson

my whole being is tired, i feel 50 years older

i have been such a slacker lately. don't think i have gone to a monday class in a month. and then, last week i was resolved not to skip anymore classes for the rest of the quarter (a whole two weeks!).. when sunday came along, i come down with something.
so i haven't been in school at all this week yet. haha. i feel like crap, although i think i'll be able to walk around and function tomorrow. jeremiah caught what i have too, but his is somehow much worse. fever, aches, chills, etc. seems more like the flu. so i've been making food and cleaning up and trying to help him out whenever possible, despite my own malady.

looking forward to this quarter being over. man, winter quarter is the worst. it's been so hard to get through these 8 weeks (so far). but only a week and a half more of classes and then finals. spring break is far too short (only about 10 days).

i want to go out and let loose (when i get better), but jeremiah and i don't have a car anymore. and it really sucks. i turn 21, and now i can't do anything because the buses don't run late enough in our area.

anyways, next quarter seems like it will be interesting.. hopefully.
survey of sociology (intro soc class), linguistics and society (how language functions within societies), and human genetics. woohoo!

i miss seeing people.


looking for a roommate.. hopefully i will find someone cool.

wonder why it is that people write more when they are sad.
it's kind of like the tendency for people to only acknowledge things that confirm their personal beliefs, and ignore the (often more common) events that potentially disprove them.

so.... psych? is that what i want to do with my life?
it's ridiculous that we're expected to decide these things in our late teens/early 20s.

i guess i'll try it for awhile; see what i think. it's interesting enough..

i have so many things i think i'd be good at career-wise, but none of them completely resonate with my idea of "my perfect life." kind of sad that that's the way things are with most people. i don't think there are many people that are entirely satisfied with their career.
and you spend... what.. half of your life working? and it's when you are at your peak of vitality... pretty much sucks. i want to go exploring, not work.
buuut, most people would say the same.

that's just life, i guess.

but it shouldn't be!


it's pretty amazing... i read the other day that a person in the 18th century in their whole lives only learned as much information as we absorb from the weekly new york times.... crazy, huh???
we have all of this information available to us, and it's being accumulated at an exponential rate... and we have much more time on our hands, but the same sort of unsettled feeling that human beings have always experienced. with all this extra time, we can focus on it more... on our problems... on searching for the answers to those questions that we can never know. makes living in this modern age of technology physically easier, but perhaps much more emotionally challenging...

perhaps man is never supposed to rise above nature.
thus highly resistant mutated bacteria/viruses...
cancers appearing more and more as people start living longer...
global warming?

but who says what's "supposed" to happen. i guess..... that's a question of god.

Sweeeeet. 98% on Psych of Sex midterm; 100% on Research in Psych midterm.

That is all.

Also, I would love to change my username if it didn't cost fifteen dollars.

I made this journal when I was about 14... so emo! Haha.

We can afford to live at our place for at least another 6 months now!! Yayyyyy.
Although money is still really tight, it's nice that Jeremiah and I won't have to go our separate ways.

My 21st birthday was on Friday! And I had a great time.
Looking forward to going out this weekend, when midterms are over.
Thanks to all who came.. although none of them read this blog (except Jeremiah and perhaps Garrett-- thank you!).

Speaking of, I had my Psych of Sex midterm today... aced it! Whoo! Now onto my Fundamentals of Research in Psychology midterm.. blech.

What else, what else..

I want to go down to LA. Winters in Washington suck.

I cannot believe my grades for the past quarter!
3.8 in Reading Drama and 3.7 in Astro 101.. I 4.0'd Astro 150, which was much more detailed and required much more preparation than Astro 101... it's just that the 101 tests were not written well at all. Grr, that makes me mad. I did know the material.
My cumulative UW GPA is still 3.93, but it feels like I fail when I get under a 4.0.

This is a ridiculous standard, I know, especially at the University of Washington, but I can't help but feel disappointed. I wonder how I can move past that... because when/if I begin grad school, I cannot be kicking myself every time I am not at the top of the class.


Monday is a very important day, and will determine what happens to me in the next year and a half, and if I get to continue living with Jeremiah. I hope it's good news. I'm tired of being stressed, poor, and disappointed.



So.... good luck to moi.


(still haven't smoked... been somewhere around 6 weeks :) )

almost 3 weeks of not smoking (yes, quitting again.. hopefully for good this time).
cravings are pretty much gone, but i still feel the urge to smoke when i'm bored, after a meal, etc. that takes awhile to go away.

tomorrow is my last day of class for the quarter, not including finals week.
woohooo! i'm ready for a break.

have to write a 10-page paper analyzing angels in america, the play, by wednesday.. also have 2 finals before wednesday.. so these next few days will be quite stressful.. and yet i cannot get myself to start working.
i'm so bad at starting things in a timely manner!

jeremy is still in cali.. he will be back around the monday after next, i think. being alone in the house is getting much more bearable. just had to get used to it, because we haven't been apart for more than a day in more than a year. crazy to think about! cannot believe that we've been together for almost 4 years. but it's been great :)

i will be 21 in a month and a half!! ahh, it's exciting.
i'll be able to go out drinking with jeremy... he's been 21+ ever since i was about 18... so we've been waiting for 3 years for me to be able to go out with him.
not that i like to club much, but it would be nice just to be able to. it sucks when he's going out with friends and i have to sit at home alone.



ahhhhhhhh time for a week of stress!!!!!!!